Coffee Shop

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Tuesday, Dunkin' Donuts, 10:25 A.M. Two of the owners of Paddy's Bar, Charlie & Dennis, discuss about the situations that are going on over at Dunkin' Donuts. (Based off the show, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.)

Dennis: You're such a cheapskate.

Charlie: Pshhh, what?

Dennis: You heard me.

Charlie: Well... Well! Sor-ry that I got robbed last night!

Dennis: You, got robbed? When did you get robbed?

Charlie: Last night!

Dennis: What were you even doing last night?

Charlie: I was! Well, I was walking through Woodland Park.

Dennis: Woodland Park?

Charlie: Yeah! Woodland Park!

Dennis: Charlie, there's no such thing as a park called "Woodland".

Charlie: It was late last night! You know, I was just walking through a park! And some guy just ran up to me with a loaded gun! And I gave him my money!

Dennis: Alright, how am I supposed to believe that?! "Woodland" Park? And, who was this "guy" that robbed you?

Charlie: He, I don't know! He's hard to describe!

Dennis: Then why don't you describe what you know.

Charlie: Fine! He had, um...

Dennis: So, I'm taking that as a no?

Charlie: No! He, he had, um, black hair, red eyes, he looked, well, I don't want to sound racist...

Dennis: Charlie, you are racist.

Charlie: Pfff! What!?

Dennis: Continue.

Charlie: He looked German, had huge hands like the Incredible Hulk, and smelt like kielbasa!

Dennis: Mhm... You're lying.

Charlie: What!? No!

Dennis: Charlie, that description sounds like, if anything, the Terminator's Nemisis!

Charlie: ...

Dennis: And besides, I bet you don't even know what "kielbasa" is.

Charlie: I do too! It, it is, um... It is a type of animal! You know, it's um, related to the walrus family.

Dennis: Noooo, it's a german sausage.

Charlie: Oh. Ha, ha, you're right. I must be thinking of "keilbasa". (Wink, wink.)

Dennis: No! There's not even a word that means something called "keilbasa"! You just switched up the "I" and the "E"!

Charlie: So!? What if I did!

(Awkard Silence)

Dennis: Charlie! Honestly, what were you even doing last night.

Charlie: I...

Dennis: Were you with that homeless man again!?

Charlie: What!? No! I was hanging out with Frank. We went out and got a couple beers at the new bar, ya know? Just to see if they had the competition, and what it takes to run a bar in the streets of Philly.

Dennis: Promise?

Charlie: Yes!

Dennis: Well, I have to disagree...

Charlie: Why! I just promised you didn't I?

Dennis: Well, you did, but lets get real here for a minute, you're a terrible liar.

Charlie: Okay, Mr. "I'm so good that I don't have to tell the Truth"! If that even was me, how could you tell?

Dennis: Seriously.

Charlie: Yes.

Dennis: First off, you were completely hammered, and we all are after we close up the bar. And you were the one who was closing that night, so it's a given. Secondly, you're always wearing that same, stupid, old, and utterly pointless, "St. Bernard's Jr. High Wrestling" t-shirt, which you bought for ten dollars at a garage sell five years ago. I mean, it's pathetic. It was the biggest rip off that you bought something like that! You even have to keep sewing it so it won't all tear apart. And last but not least, you're Charlie. It's not hard to tell whether its you or not, even if I was standing one hundred feet away.

Charlie: Hey! That shirt is awesome!

Dennis: Not really.

Charlie: Okay, well that proves that it wasn't even me.

Dennis: Nope, I'm pretty sure it was you.

Charlie: Prove it.

Dennis: As if I haven't already? Fine then... Ok, who else knows the homless man on 45th Avenue named "The Wiki Man", who happens to enjoy playing a half-broken trumpet during Thanksgiving Day, who brushes his teeth with tuna paste, goes dumpster diving for "trinkets of gold", and believes that he can speak to eagles?

Charlie: Bu-

Dennis: But before you can say anything, I, Dennis, do not know him. Dee doesn't know him, Mac, he surely doesn't know him, or anyone outside of the bar, and Frank, he doesn't ever want to see him again around the bar, especially after that incident.

Charlie: But you do! And so does Frank! How do I know that it wasn't you? Or Frank!? And wait, what "incident"?

Dennis: I'll get to that, patience my friend... Because, you're the one who told me that you know him! I know him, through you. And Frank? He's like, four foot four on a good day, which means that it sure as h**l wasn't him... And besides, he would never be seen with him after he lost a poker game to that son of a gun, and ended up losing his prized "steak knife". That Charlie, was the "incident".

Charlie: Whooooa, no wonder why I never see him eat steak anymore...

Dennis: Yeaah... So...

Charlie: So?

Dennis: So, since we're speaking of the Wiki Man, I have to ask you this question.

Charlie: Go ahead.

Dennis: That couldn't have been you singing "Dancing in the Rain", and dancing to Beethoven's "Piano Sonata", with him, could it have?

Charlie: ...

Dennis: Riiight. I'll take that as a yes... So, what are you gonna get?

Charlie: I, I don't know.

Dennis: Well, you might want to buy something off the dollar menu, after all, you are a cheapskate.